I’m now eighteen days into coffee and nicotine withdrawals. (And life basically still sucks…)
In some ways things seem to be getting better, but in others… it almost seems like this week is worse than the first two.
For the first two weeks I was so tired, and so overwhelmed, I literally could not get out of bed except to eat. (And even then, most of the time I just fixed myself a snack, and then went back to my room and ate it in bed – hey when you’re the only one in the bed you can eat all the crackers you want lol…)
I could not focus on anything; could not concentrate for longer than maybe ten or fifteen seconds; could not talk, type, or even think about writing a blog post.
(Fortunately I had pre-written enough posts that I was able to auto-publish stuff I’d already prepared before I quit, and that got me through the first fourteen days. Unfortunately since then… I’ve had to figure out how to get at least a couple hundred words down, to keep this blog thing going while I continue to suffer through these withdrawals.)
And it sucks to try and write something, when you can’t focus for more than a minute or two at a time… I feel like these last few posts probably need serious editing and revision, but I’m too caught up in withdrawals to really care. Anyway, at least I know that these posts are real, and genuine.
So, those first two weeks, on a scale of one to ten my “I’m so ridiculously overwhelmed by withdrawal symptoms, by cravings, and by urges to give in to my addiction, that I can’t even think about getting out of bed…” would have been a solid ten.
Today, it’s maybe a 9.75? So, a little bit better, but I’m still so overwhelmed I don’t want to get out of bed. In other words I’ve basically gone from “I can’t deal with anything,” to “I just don’t want to deal with anything.”
And I’m still spending all day in bed, binging Netflix. (Well, almost all day; I actually am a teensy bit productive this week.)
On Monday, I started going back to the gym. (And am currently killing it in the ten minute light workout category… seriously if there was an Olympics for not working up a sweat while you’re exercising, I’d be a gold medalist for sure. It’s all good though because all I care about this week, is just getting out of the house, and re-establishing the routine of daily exercise… no need to push myself that far beyond my limits.)
And, I try every day, to spend ten or fifteen minutes reading. I try to make a point of reading the Scriptures, because I believe the help I receive from the Lord is best of all – but in this state, if I’m able to read anything at all, I consider it a victory. Even ten minutes of reading emails, or Facebook (or playing a video game that requires even the least amount of concentration), leaves me feeling dizzy, confused, light-headed and disoriented. And usually leads to a nap, as well… which is good, because I do still like naps, so at least there’s one good thing that’s come from all of this.
But honestly… the cravings, today, to smoke, or to get a coffee, are still so powerful, and so intense… that I just don’t see the point in doing anything that requires any real effort… even though I’m no longer so overwhelmed that I can’t do anything… I’m still overwhelmed enough… that I honestly don’t want to do anything.
Everything I’ve read, and everyone I’ve talked to, tells me that the worst of the cravings usually fade in the third or fourth week… but that even if it takes longer than that, the cravings will eventually fade. But only if I can stay away from coffee and cigarettes… and start to get out, and do things that take my mind off the cravings, or show me that I can do it without coffee and nicotine… so… as much as it sucks, and as much as I hate feeling this way and JUST DON’T WANT TO SUFFER FOR ANOTHER SECOND!!!
I don’t really see any other alternative. If I really want to be free from my addictions to coffee and to nicotine… I have to work through all this nonsense, and somehow get to the place where I can handle “living life” without “wanting” the addiction. There just is no other way.