Today I did my own laundry. It took me all of five minutes, and I spent the whole rest of the day in front of the TV, trying to find something – anything – that would distract me from thinking about how much I still want coffee and cigarettes… and allow me to shut out the growing anxiety I’m starting to feel in place of the cravings.
And on a day like today, I need something to distract me from all the anxiety… and I don’t even mind that I’m wasting a whole day (’cause sometimes, you just got to.)
But still… I somehow found the will to pull myself away from the TV just long enough today to wash my clothes.
Under different circumstances, just doing my own laundry would hardly seem worth writing about. I mean, it only takes a minute to load the washer and turn it on, and another minute when the washer’s done, to transfer everything to the dryer. It’s really not a big deal, right?
Except when you’re struggling with addiction, anxiety, depression, fear, and PTSD, it kind of is a big deal.
It feels impossible sometimes to even do one simple task… and then, even if you do, it feels like you should be doing so much more, that celebrating that one small victory feels… like…
Like you should feel guilty for all the other things you should have accomplished, but couldn’t. Or like you’re saying you’re okay with wasting the entire day in front of the TV (when in actuality you’re not, but you just don’t know any other way to cope).
But you don’t feel better about what you are accomplishing, by making yourself feel worse about all the things you’re not accomplishing. (That just makes you feel worse, and usually when you spend all your time just feeling worse, it just makes it harder to even want to do anything that might make you feel better.)
And I’d really like to get back to feeling better soon… So I’m a just claim doing my laundry as a win for today, and let that ride.