Day 41

Today (for the first time since I gave up coffee and cigarettes), I actually did something nice for myself.

It was a small thing; in fact, on any other day it would be a non-thing. By itself it really was inconsequential, but in the context of the last six weeks, it’s huge:

I took myself to the coffee stand I used to frequent, to get a (non-coffee) English toffee shake.

It took half an hour out of my day, to drive there, get my shake, and get back home… but it was the most significant half hour out of the whole last month and a half… because it’s the first time since I quit coffee and cigarettes that I have felt like “I deserve a reward.”

For the first 40 days, I literally spent every waking minute feeling like I was ‘suffering.’

The withdrawals, and the constant urges and reminders that I used to smoke, and that I used to drink coffee, were all so powerful, I couldn’t honestly conceive of a time that I would ever really be glad that I quit. I pretty much just… hated life… and just wanted to be alone in my suffering.

So, to go from that, to actually wanting to do something that would add some enjoyment to my day…

That’s actually pretty huge.

That half hour, plus maybe the subsequent hour at home, marks the first time that my thoughts have NOT been fully occupied by thoughts of wanting to smoke. That I was able to simply enjoy the moment. And that I really felt like, not only can I “survive” life without coffee and cigarettes… but maybe I really can enjoy it.

Of course, four hours later, I’m tired, and irritable, and am struggling to stay focused long enough to finish writing this post, so I’m not there yet…

But I do (finally) feel like I’m moving in that direction.

It has taken (is taking) much longer than I would have expected… but… it is happening.

Today was actually much better than yesterday… so, if I can just figure out how to make tomorrow better than today… I will get there.

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