A Look Inside the Mind of a Porn Addict

NOTE: I originally wrote this just days after I successfully swore off pornography. Now, after three months of complete abstinence, a lot of these thoughts still run through my mind on a daily or weekly basis… but not nearly as powerfully as they did in those first few weeks.

If you struggle with this, or any addiction, you are not alone. Some of the best help I’ve received has been through individual counseling with a trained professional, and weekly attendance at addiction recovery meetings administered through my church. If you need help overcoming an addiction, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints’ Addiction Recovery Program is an excellent place to start.

===========================

TL;DR: I am a porn addict.

This is embarrassing. And uncomfortable. And potentially damaging.

But I don’t care anymore.

Keeping this secret has the potential to destroy me. And that’s a whole lot scarier than having any one of you unfriend me, or judge me, or ridicule me. Or despise me.

===========================

I have kept my pornography habit a secret for more years than some of you have been alive and I’m tired of keeping secrets.

So, I am either about to be incredibly brave… or incredibly foolish… whatevs though… at least I’m gonna be real.

===========================

They say sunlight is the strongest disinfectant. I sure hope that’s true… ’cause what follows is in serious need of deep, powerful cleansing. This is the closest look I am ready to give into the heart and mind of a man who’s used pornography for over two decades, to hide from all of life’s greatest challenges.

It’s unedited, unformatted, and absolutely unattractive… but anyway… here it is:

===========================

Fear. Anger. Isolation. Introversion. Ashamed. Embarrassed.

Debased. Discouraged. Guilty. Bitter. Confused. Afraid.

Turned inward. Closed off. Intolerant. Untolerable.

Fearful. Shameful. Spiteful. Hurtful.

Secret. Tearful. Unspeakable. Hidden. Undisclosed. Undiscovered. Undesirable. Unacceptable.

Demeaning. Degrading. Debasing. Desensitizing. Consuming. Destroying.

Uncontrolled and uncontrollable.

Always wanting, never satisfying.

Never mentioned. Never handled. Never appropriate. Never known.

Hunger. Impulse. Compulsion. Habit. Addiction. Pain.

Sorrow. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Hopelessness. Loss. Numb.

Alone. Ugly. Unacceptable. Unworthy. Unrepentant. Unwilling to change.

Closed off. Shut out. Withdrawn. Removed. Remarkedly adept at hiding it all.

===========================

Too much. Too strong. Too hungry. Too scared. Too late. Too difficult. Too embarrassing. Too close to admitting that things aren’t alright.

Trapped. Bound. Ensnared. Entangled. Engrossed… and grossed out.

===========================

How do I change? How do I stop? How do I keep myself from ever getting caught?

How do I hide it from every one around me?

How do I make sure that no one ever knows this horrible thing that I do to myself?

What if they find out? What if they walk in? What if I tell them?

What if they already know?

===========================

Why did I start? Why can’t I stop? Why do I continue when I know it’s the last thing I want?

When will it end? How will I know that it’s over? How do I live through today? How can I strive for a tomorrow that I feel like I can’t even see?

Why should I believe that I deserve anything better?

How did I commit to never going back?

===========================

What will I do without it in my life? Where will I turn when I am afraid? Alone? Confused? Lost, hurting, anxious, nervous, intimidated, overwhelmed… dirty, and gross, and unworthy of my own approval? When I am knee deep in ugliness and self loathing and I just can’t stand to admit that I am not proud of the things I have done? When my mistakes feel so gross that I do not deserve to feel good…

===========================

How do I admit this. And accept it. And allow it to just be… a part of my story. Of my journey. Of my struggle to understand who I am, and from whence I came.

How do I get to the real heart of the matter, when the subject material is so incredibly painfully awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing, that I would rather take the problem to the grave than ever (except for this one brief moment of courage and clarity), ever risk making it known… to my self… and to others…

===========================

I cannot overcome this on my own… but I cannot see my way to ever asking anybody else to share my burden.

To know my secret.

To acknowledge my mistake.

And to love me in spite of it all…

No… in light of it all.

I don’t know.

But I know I would rather feel all of this…

And ask all of these questions…

And look for answers, and guidance, and support…

Than to ever go back to using pornography.

Take it from me.

(Literally, take it. I don’t want it anymore.)

The price that I have had to pay, just is not worth it.

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